“How are you hanging in there?”
“How’s it going?”
“Are you OK?”
I’m asking friends, family and coworkers these types of questions on a daily basis as 99% of my relationships have suddenly become long distance.
I try to cycle through, because no one wants to have to think about how they’re really feeling these days too often.
Typically, these are questions asked in passing in the office hallway, as you walk into the gym and greet the person at the front desk, when you pass a friend on the subway platform.
Especially in New York City – when someone asks you how you’re doing, it’s out of polite obligation. A feigned nicety, dripping in disingenuous interest. The asker isn’t waiting for or expecting a real response. And the person being asked knows that all they’re expected to respond with is a “good, how are you?”
The answer is almost always a brief and typically inaccurate “good.” Maybe an “oh, you know…” before trailing off. Or if you work in my office, a somewhat sarcastic, “living the dream.” The point is that no matter what your short answer is, the person who asked the question has already stopped listening.
But now we find ourselves in a new world. Nowadays, if people reach out and specifically ask how you’re doing, they’re probably asking because they actually care.
So as the person being asked how you’re doing, I have a news flash for you:
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY YOU’RE FINE.
Even if you haven’t lost a job. You’re allowed to be not fine.
Even if you don’t have family members in healthcare. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine.
Even if you are healthy. You don’t have to say you’re fine.
Even if you are perfectly content to work at home. You can be decidedly un-fine.
You can say you’re scared, or stressed, or bored. You can say you’re not quite sure how you’re feeling. You can say you’re confused.
In fact, the person asking is probably looking to commiserate with you. They’re probably not fine either.
On the flip side, maybe you are feeling fine. Maybe you’re in self-quarantine with a happy, healthy family. You’re all working from home, making your full salary and enjoying quality time together. You’re making delicious homemade dinners and playing board games at night. But you’re feeling guilty that life is actually feeling pretty nice right about now.
As long as you’re aware of that privilege, you don’t have to feel bad for being happy! But try to do something to pass that smile along to someone who could use it.
Ask a friend how they’re doing and be prepared to listen to their response. Even if it’s not fine.
